Selfish

This post has nothing to do with autism. I am being selfish tonight and I am going to talk about myself. I joke and say I am going through an early mid life crisis (maybe I am, who knows).

 I feel like I am Bridgette, the mom. I have lost my character, who I really am in life. Yes, I am a mom, but I am so much more than that. I feel like I am stuck in a mommy rut, and I don't like it. I LOVE being a mom, don't get me wrong, but I am more than that. Since Gavin's diagnosis, I have spent all my time working with him, and I have forgotten about myself. Which was fine at first. He is my baby, and he needs me.

 I don't know who I am anymore. What happened to the fun, crazy Bridgette? That Bridgette disappeared three years ago when I had Gavin. It was my job, as a mom, to stop thinking about myself, and care for my boys. Yes, that is my job, and I still do it. Some days I fail miserably at it, but I try my best. I had put so much time into Gavin and Keegan, I had forgotten that I have to care for myself too. (I warned you this post was going to be selfish, sorry).

I can't say that I have sat at home for three years and done nothing. That isn't true. I hung out with friends, acted crazy, been silly, but in mom mode. You see, even when I went out, I didn't take the time to actually try and look good. I did the mom thing, yoga pants, t shirt, no make up, and my oily hair pulled back. Not to mention, I have lost 75lbs, so not only did I have the mom look down pat, my clothes were HUGE on me. So I looked frumpy and saggy. I was a hot mess!

I woke up Saturday morning, and it was just a normal day. I was feeling a little down, but nothing major. So I decided to take the boys shopping. It was tax free weekend. I will NEVER go anywhere with my children during tax free weekend EVER again. It was a nightmare. I am walking through stores (baggy yoga pants, t-shirt 3 sizes too big, oily hair, no makeup) and both boys are having a fit. We just left. I had reached my breaking point. The point of no return. I walked in the house, tears pouring down my face. I walked in the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. Then it hit me, I have put everyone before myself, and it was really starting to tear me down.

I tossed Alan the boys (not really) and I said, "I am tired of looking like a mother 24/7. I am going shopping." I bought a complete outfit (dress, shoes, necklace, bracelet, earrings and a purse). Then I went out with a friend that night, and had a blast.

Yes, it is okay to have the mom look. Apparently I have it perfected. Yes, a good mom puts her children first, BUT she also takes time for herself, too. It's a balancing act. I have to learn how to be both a mom, and continue to be Bridgette.

I was/am a little hesitant to even post this. I hope it didn't come off as "I am giving up on my kids, and I want it to be all about me." That is NOT what I meant by anything I wrote. I have to figure out how to be a good mom AND feel good about myself.