I just don't understand

I don't understand. I thought I had this grieving process under control. By grieving, I mean the thought of what Gavin was going to be like, the things he would accomplish before his diagnosis. I have done great, and thought I finally came to the realization that things would be different, and that's okay.

Obviously, I was wrong. I was putting him to bed, and this sadness just came over me. The "what ifs" came back. What if he never talks? What if I can't/don't know how to handle his future? What if he is never able to care for himself independently? What will happen to him when Alan and I are gone? What if Keegan has autism too? WHY???

Why am I suddenly feeling the same way I felt three months ago when we received his diagnosis? This makes no sense. I am sitting here, tears rolling down my cheeks. Why am I telling you this? NOT for you to feel sorry for me. I am telling you this because I need to. I'm hoping getting it out, and admitting that I am struggling helps me deal with how I am feeling right now. I try to be strong most of the time, and I think I do a pretty good job....MOST OF THE TIME.

I could understand feeling overwhelmed if it had been a rough day, but it hasn't. Nothing has changed. Gavin is still the same happy, loving, caring boy. All day today he would run up to me and give me a great big hug, and cuddle with me for a minute.

I just don't understand, and maybe I am not suppose to understand....