Moments, not milestones

Autism has taught me a LOT, but one very important thing is to appreciate the small things. Not the best wording, so let me explain. Your "small things" are HUGE things to me. Gavin did two HUGE things tonight.

1. He played with a toy correctly. See what I mean? To those that don't have an autistic child this probably seems like no big deal. To me, it is. He just recently learned how to play with certain toys correctly. Usually he just chews on them. Tonight, he played with a toy (correctly) for about 5 minutes. Him focusing on ANYTHING that long is a big deal, but focusing AND playing with it the right way. WOW!

 

2. Bedtime is the same every night. 8 pm I put him to bed, tuck him in, and tell him, "Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back." Normally, he doesn't look at me when I say this, and just wants me to get out so he can go to sleep. He is definitely my child. HA! Tonight, though, he made eye contact, let me kiss him on the forehead, and even held his hand out so I could kiss his hand. (Don't ask, I have no clue. That is just something he likes for me to do.) My heart melted! 

I just don't understand

I don't understand. I thought I had this grieving process under control. By grieving, I mean the thought of what Gavin was going to be like, the things he would accomplish before his diagnosis. I have done great, and thought I finally came to the realization that things would be different, and that's okay.

Obviously, I was wrong. I was putting him to bed, and this sadness just came over me. The "what ifs" came back. What if he never talks? What if I can't/don't know how to handle his future? What if he is never able to care for himself independently? What will happen to him when Alan and I are gone? What if Keegan has autism too? WHY???

Why am I suddenly feeling the same way I felt three months ago when we received his diagnosis? This makes no sense. I am sitting here, tears rolling down my cheeks. Why am I telling you this? NOT for you to feel sorry for me. I am telling you this because I need to. I'm hoping getting it out, and admitting that I am struggling helps me deal with how I am feeling right now. I try to be strong most of the time, and I think I do a pretty good job....MOST OF THE TIME.

I could understand feeling overwhelmed if it had been a rough day, but it hasn't. Nothing has changed. Gavin is still the same happy, loving, caring boy. All day today he would run up to me and give me a great big hug, and cuddle with me for a minute.

I just don't understand, and maybe I am not suppose to understand....