18 years ago

Just a warning, my next couple of posts aren't going to be uplifting, happy posts. Life isn't always wonderful though. I am not writing this to be a Debbie Downer. I am doing this because talking/writing helps me cope.

September 20, 1996 was a day that I will NEVER forget. Let me go back to a few months before though. My mother developed headaches. Not just your regular, everyday headaches. I am talking sudden, bring you to your knees, in tears headaches. I witnessed several. She would be fine, then suddenly fall to her knees, holding her head, and just crying. She would lay down and eventually they would go away. Well, not completely go away, but enough to function. She was taking Excedrin every 4 hours, everyday, for months.

I still blame myself for not making her go to the doctor. I don't know why I feel guilty. I was only 14, had no clue how severe things were, and even if I had asked her she more than likely wouldn't have went. She was stubborn, and probably didn't realize how bad things were either. Or maybe she knew, but didn't tell me. I don't know. I often wonder because right after the headaches started she told me she never wanted to be on life support, "just let her go" were her words. I don't even remember how we got on that conversation, but I remember she was driving and the topic came up.

Finally, she decided enough was enough. She made an appointment with her doctor. She was suppose to go September 23rd. Yes, I still remember the date. You'll understand why later.

I was in 9th grade, and a friend and I had went to a football game. Mom (or someone, this part is fuzzy for some reason) picked us up. I remember her telling me she had another "episode" while I was at the game. This scared me because she was all alone when it happened (my dad worked nights at the time). She promised me she was okay, and she was able to handle it alone, and like normal, the pain eventually decreased and she was "okay."

I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and getting ready for bed. She knocked on the door. I opened it and she said, "I am going to bed. Goodnight. I love you." Little did I know those would be the last words I heard her say. I gave her a kiss, and said, "I love you too." I am so thankful I had the opportunity to tell her I loved her because later on that night/morning life was about to throw a HUGE curve ball.